Thursday, November 19, 2020

‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ have a renewal of vows and a tequila surprise

I’ve learned many things from “The Real Housewives of Orange County.”

Money can’t buy good taste or manners, for one. Too much tequila can lead to skinny-dipping (in truth, I first learned that on my 30th birthday).

And, after this week’s episode, this: When you renew your vows, never, ever let a 14-year-old boy offer his own version of your vows for the ceremony.

  • Maggiano's Little Italy Zuccotto cake (1,790) and a cappuccino (220)

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Housewife Braunwyn Windham-Burke and her husband Sean (not to mention the officiant, drag queen Babette) learned this the hard way when son Jacob started to speak.

“Do you vow to always love mom, even when she embezzles all of your money and runs away in an Apache attack helicopter at 12 a.m.?” Jacob asked his father to looks of puzzlement from both of his parents.

When he asks his mother if she’ll love her husband even if he ran off with an underage model, she gives him a look that says “I’m gonna kill this kid when we get home.”

Guests at the Palm Springs ceremony more or less lose it at this point.

“What is going on here?!” shouted housewife Elizabeth Lyn Vargas, expressing out loud what she and everyone else were thinking.

Fortunately, Braunwyn and Sean, who had been busy during the preceding 20 years of their marriage, had six more kids in reserve, including oldest daughter Bella who saved the day with her contribution to the ceremony.

“You guys always keep your love so alive,” she told her parents — and if she watched last season she knows whereof she speaks. “I always feel so inspired, and I can only dream of having the love that you have.”

Bella wins Best of Show this week for her all-around sweetness, with Gina runner-up for her genuine support for Braunwyn as she works on her sobriety.

But enough about the nice people, let’s talk about the Worst Person in the World, to steal a page from newscaster Keith Olbermann’s old playbook.

Spoiler alert: This week, it’s housewife Shannon Storms Beador, with housewife Kelly Dodd and Dr. Deb, Braunwyn’s mother, right behind.

You will recall that the season so far has revolved around Braunwyn’s acknowledgment that she is an alcoholic, and the varied ways in which her fellow housewives have responded to that news. Shannon, the first person Braunwyn told, seemed supportive, but then Braunwyn said Shannon had said something mean about Gina’s new townhouse, and well, so long nice Shannon, hello Storms (Beador)!

Gina, Elizabeth, Shannon and their current beaus all go out to dinner, and when Gina and Elizabeth start to talk supportively about Braunwyn, Shannon ain’t having none of that.

“It’s good to hear that Braunwyn, who was gunning for Gina, stopped,” Shannon tells the camera. “But if being sober means that you concoct stories in your head? Things aren’t better on the Shannon Storms Beador side.”

Gina mentions that Braunwyn won’t be serving tequila at her vow renewal ceremony in Palm Springs because the cactus juice was her preferred poison back when she was boozing. Gina says she’s not going to drink at all, and Elizabeth goes almost that far.

“I mean, we may have a sippy cup with some alcohol,” Elizabeth says — a position Shannon rejects in a confessional.

“I am going to be drinking at the vow renewal,” she says. “If I’m on vacation and away from home I want to enjoy myself. I think that Gina and Elizabeth may be taking it too far.”

The day before the wedding arrives and Braunwyn and her family stop at the Palm Springs home of her mother, Dr. Deb, with whom she’s often not gotten along.

“I think now that I’m not drinking no one wants to hang out with me except Gina,” Braunwyn tells her mother.

“You’re not nearly as fun,” Dr. Deb says, followed by a long pause and then an attempt to claw back the dreadful thing that actually did come right of her mouth. “I’m saying that that’s maybe what they were thinking.”

Braunwyn ain’t buying it: “I don’t think my mom could say a worse thing to me,” she tells the camera later. “My mom has been using my addiction as a weapon for so long: ‘Look at Braunwyn, she doesn’t know what she’s saying, she’s drunk. Look at Braunwyn, she’s broken.’

“If she were to look at me right now and say to me, ‘You know what? I’m really proud of what you’re doing.’ That would just … .”

While Braunwyn gets ready for the vow ceremony, all of the other housewives board a mini-bus for the ride out to the desert, where Gina, bless her caring heart, soon reminds everyone that Braunwyn won’t be having tequila on the drinks menu. Other varieties of housewife-worthy hooch, sure, just not tequila.

“You lie!” Kelly shouts right into Gina’s face because how dare there be a bottle missing at the bar.

Kelly tries to express herself through what passes for an analogy in Kelly’s mind: “OK, I’m a diabetic, I’m not going to have any frickin’ cake at my party?”

Kelly drops any pretense of empathy: “Why should you punish everybody because you’re the alcoholic?”

Kelly makes the bus driver stop at a liquor store so she and Shannon can each buy a bottle of tequila.

“She is as sensitive as a porcupine, that Kelly Dodd,” Gina says. “She just don’t got it in her.”

Kelly waltzes up to Braunwyn and pretends not to have known that tequila was her weakness: “I have some tequila here I’m not supposed to show you,” she tells Braunwyn.

“I’m your sober friend,” Gina tells Braunwyn after Kelly waltzes on. “I promise.”

And we’re not even into the reception yet.

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